Change: (a verb) to make or become different. For me the thought of change causes a swell of fear in my bones, stress in my chest and if given the chance i would likely turn the other way and run back to my comfort zone, normality, the same ol’ same ol’. Regrettably, for my sense of well being and sanity at lest, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt this is what God is calling me to do.
For about a year now i have been making those truly frighting adjustments and changes in my life and slowly but surly i feel different, new. But its not enough, i wouldn’t be honestly if i didn’t admit that there are things that i still cling to, behaviors, thoughts, coping mechanisms…all of which were put into place to deal with the world alone and without Jesus…(just in case you were wondering i failed) but i cant seem to let go because i am terrified of change. TERRIFIED, as in i have been known to lie awake knowing that because i am choosing my old habits, my old comforts, my old attempts to fill the gap where God SHOULD (and yes im “shoulding” on my self) be…i am not accepting Gods grace and therefore cannot be filled completely with his love and in turn cannot be fulfilled in my desire to serve God in the wonderful ways he intended. And yet…i am too scared to let go and fall into God…..to take that step off the dock and walk on water with Jesus (that is a reference from the Shack….good book) And why? because deep down i think i can handle it on my own. Okay yes, i am a survivor and i am strong (those of you who know me, know i have been through hell…and yet here i am) but who am i to think that i can survive without the trinity? Im like a mentally ill patient who refuses to take their medication that would improve their functioning and quality of life threefold but i think i can control my illness and that i dont need anything! (umm fyi that doesn’t work) My illness is the temptations of the flesh, and lies of the fallen world and for reasons truly beyond my conscious i refuse to take God….Jesus….the Holy Spirt, to have meaning…..everything in my life.
So how do i deal with this self-inflicted anxiety? I have a big carpet…its called busyness….its great lots of stuff fits under it, if you know what i mean. True sometimes i trip over the huge lumps but otherwise its pretty much a good fix..that was until monday…..when (GOD prolly) shined a flashlight on all that im hiding. I have to laugh in retrospect because he did it through SCHOOL. In my first class of the day we talked about how Augustus, a Roman Emperor in princips (literally means “first citizens” a sought after idea of the republic) clothing, imposes a mock republic…which in reality it was a dictatorship….in essence he “changed” things but didnt he just called it something else and tried to pass it off as new, innovative and divinely driven. He was reviving the republic for the good of Rome, when in actuality he striping everyone of their power, killing his enemies and he became basically through propaganda and manipulation a king. Now that in and of its self doesn’t apply to me, its some political leader who lied to get power, what else is new. (totally off subject but i love the quote by Robin Williams in man of the year that says ” what do politicians and diapers have in common? they both should be changed often and for the same reasons…ahaha)
So i went on with my day unaffected by Augustus and his changed that wasn’t really change until my next class, my modern dance class. So i am a dance minor but i am not comfortable with modern….its too…too something, anyways beyond the point. So my teacher says perhaps we need to change our perspective on movement….AGAIN with change….
But it wasnt until my 3rd class of the day…theory and improv (another dance class, but way more complicated then just dance) that i realized this theme developing in my day. We have to read a book called free play, gag me, but there was a quote the metaphorically brought me to my knees…”It’s a difference that makes a difference” by Gregory Bateson. Whoa HOLD THE HORSES! That is what my problem is….because i refuse to change or do something differently things are never actually going to change.
Just because i say my life has changed and i say i am a question doesn’t mean a thing. True i am a christian and just making that leap of faith to accept Jesus as my Christ and Saviour was a major step and yes a lot of things have changed in my life its not enough. I have to do something different….i have to change my fundamental decisions (the ones that are hard to change) for example the kind of guys i date, the way i date, the way i see the world, my sense of humor. But most importantly the difference i need to make to make the difference, the most import change need to make to truly change my life is to fully, utterly committed to God. Put him first, above all worldly things and relationships and fully trust him…I need to choose the change for Him to be the change in my life.
Okay…..so change…crap…okay well wish me luck!
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet….Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, 1594
